


Lost You Just the Same

by Youremyalways



Category: The 100, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, Episode: s06e05 The Gospel of Josephine, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Josephine lightbourne - Freeform, Josephine!Clark, Post 6x05, jc - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 03:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19165201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youremyalways/pseuds/Youremyalways
Summary: canon divergent post 6x05Clarke is recovering after Josephine is removed from her head and Bellamy comforts her.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Thinking about you in pain… I wish I could take it all away. You have done so much, you have helped so many people… You didn’t deserve any of this.”“I appreciate it. I do. But, it’s incredibly hard to believe that I don’t deserve this. You of all people know that I have killed a lot more people than I could ever save.”“We can’t keep punishing ourselves for who we had to be during war, Clarke...”





	Lost You Just the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song “Jolene” by Ray Lamontagne. 
> 
> Because Jason doesn’t let them discuss feelings and my god do they need to DISCUSS FEELINGS. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

“I’m not leaving this room.”

Clarke sighed, giving Bellamy a look that she could only hope appeared a lot more intimidating than she felt. He was so fucking stubborn. 

“Bellamy.” She warned as she raised her eyebrows, voice rough and uneasy.

“Not happening.” He immediately rebutted, settling back against his chair and crossing his arms over his chest, a sad smirk resting across his lips.

Clarke shook her head and looked up at the ceiling, leaning her head back against the pillow. It was true she felt like absolute crap. Her body felt like it weighed a couple tons, limbs begging to hang limp and sink into the hospital bed. Her throat was completely dry, scratchy, and painful. Clarke’s stomach churned, yet rumbled with hunger. Apparently reincarnated AI primes don’t need to eat or drink, so after weeks of Josephine inhabiting her body, Clarke was beyond sickly and weak. Her neck was still on fire after her mother ripped the implant out. Having stitches undone, skin ripped apart and dug through, and then stitches redone in the same place was, in a word, agonizing. The skin felt stretched beyond its limits and burned hot like fire.

“Will you stop scratching at that thing?” He suddenly pleaded.

Clarke only then realized that she was scratching subconsciously at the IV in her right arm. The skin was starting to go red. She halted the second he pointed it out.

“I didn’t even realize.” She mumbled as she dropped her left hand to cross over her stomach, turning her head to look at him.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” Bellamy started when his eyes landed on hers.

The last syllable of her name was barely out of his mouth by the time Clarke cut in with a harsh, “Stop.”

His eyes glazed over as he dropped his eyes to his fingers, which were intertwined in a ball, resting on his lap.

“Bellamy, none of this was your fault. Not even close. You can’t blame yourself for not predicting the future. We had no idea they were after nightbloods, after me. You couldn’t have known.” Clarke soothed, swallowing the dryness in her throat.

“I just… I can’t believe that we were so oblivious. That I was so oblivious. They took interest in you the second we got here. I should’ve sensed something was wrong. Maybe if I had just said something- said anything- you wouldn’t be lying in a damn hospital bed right now.” His voice cracked on the last sentence as his eyes raised to meet hers once again.

“You saved me.” Clarke said like it was the simplest thing in the word, shrugging her shoulders with a sigh.

“And how is that? Last time I checked your mother was the one that pulled that thing from your head.” Bellamy raised his eyebrows.

Clarke just laughed a little, wincing back against the bed when it made her body ache. It was so weak and frail- so vulnerable. She despised it.

“You okay? Do you need Abby?” Bellamy jumped out of his seat as the first indicator of her experiencing pain, eyes blown wide and hands shooting out to hold each of her shoulders, steadying her.

“I’m fine.” She reached up with her left hand to rest it over where his was on her shoulder, rubbing little circles on the back of his hand to console him.

“You were the only one to recognize that it wasn’t me. The only one,” Clarke smiled and tears gathered in her eyes as she questioned, “How did you know?”

Bellamy let out a soft cry that if Clarke wasn’t attentively watching, she would have easily missed. 

“I uh…” He cleared his throat, “It just wasn’t you. She told Madi to ‘chill out’. We may not have seen each other for six years, Clarke, but I’d like to think I know you well enough to realize that was off. And if it wasn’t that, it was the trig. Whenever we used it she just stared blankly. You… you spent six years with a kid that only knew that language, you don’t hesitate. It was all the little things that added up. It just wasn’t you. I knew it wasn’t. I just didn’t realize exactly how until we watched that video of Josephine being… implanted into that young girl. Then it was just connecting the dots.”

“Well,” Clarke choked out as tears finally left her eyes and fell freely down her cheeks, “Nobody else figured it out, so thank you. I mean it, thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for saving your life. You’ve done that for me a hundred times over.” Bellamy let go of her hand and sat back down.

Clarke sniffled a little, eyes following his every movement.

“What is it?” She asked when she saw the tears brimming on his lower eyelids.

“Nothing… ” 

Clarke let out an exasperated breath and closed her eyes for a few seconds before slowly reopening them, “Bellamy, I know you pretty well too. I know when you’re holding something back. What is it?”

“I just…” he brought his left arm up and balanced his elbow on his knee so he could lean forward and place his forehead in his hand, “I can’t stop…”

Clarke’s eyebrows knitted together as his words drowned out and she shifted just a little in the bed so her body could face him better, “Can’t stop what?”

His eyes fell closed as he spoke in a hushed voice, “You. Everytime I close my damn eyes I see you on that damn bed, wires in and out of your arms. I see you screaming, crying. Reaching out for help, but I’m not there. No one is there. The video we watched of that girl, back when you weren’t you, she was in so much pain… I can’t stop imagining you like that. I’m so, so sor-”

“Stop-” Clarke cut in, not needing nor wanting to hear another apology.

“Just let me finish,” He stated, raising a hand to stop her in the middle of denying him his chance to vent, “You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Thinking about you in pain… I wish I could take it all away. You have done so much, you have helped so many people… You didn’t deserve any of this.”

“I appreciate it. I do. But, it’s incredibly hard to believe that I don’t deserve this. You of all people know that I have killed a lot more people than I could ever save.” She looked down with a hard swallow.

Bellamy dropped his hand so instead of covering his forehead, it served as a rest for his chin.

“We can’t keep punishing ourselves for who we had to be during war, Clarke. You led, and leaders have to make really shitty decisions sometimes. It was the best you could do. None of that means…” his voice caught, “none of that means you deserve any of this.”

Clarke smiled sadly, tears dangling on her eyelids, “Well, if it helps you at all, I wasn’t screaming or crying.”

“What?” His voice conveyed deep confusion.

“When Russel put Josephine into me. You said you keep seeing me scream, and I’m telling you now that I did not scream or cry. So, hopefully you can get some of that out of your head.” She shrugged.

“Oh.” He said simply.

“The… uhm, the paralytic was already in me. It was more like…” her voice cracked and she turned to look away from him, “It was like I was trapped inside my own body.”

“Clarke, you don’t have to…” 

“Please, let me get this out? Please.” She pleaded, voice cracking and eyes wet.

He nodded slowly, eyes squinting.

And suddenly there were tears pouring from her eyes and her thin body wracked with heady sobs, “I wish I could have screamed or cried! I tried as hard as I could but my lips wouldn’t move. I just kept punching and kicking, trying to get out, but I couldn’t! I was a prisoner in my own body, and I had to lay there as he opened my neck and ripped me out of myself. I couldn’t do anything!”

By the time she was done speaking she was sobbing, and Bellamy rushed out of his chair to sit on the edge of her hospital bed, gently pulling her up so he could hold her as she cried. She wrapped her arms tightly around him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. Her fingers tangled themselves in the fabric of his shirt, holding so tight that her knuckles were turning white.

“I’m gonna kill him.” Bellamy practically growled, fire in his voice as he ran his hand soothingly over her back.

“Hey,” Clarke warned, pulling away slightly so she could see his face, “No. Don’t say that.”

“Why?!” He yelled, and immediately lowered his voice when he saw the way Clarke flinched, “Why? He treated you like you were nothing!” 

“You don’t want that on your conscience,” she shook her head gently, arms still braced around his middle.

“I don’t care about that.”

“You should.”

They just stared at each other and took steady breaths, blue eyes meeting brown and not wavering. 

“It’s over now. They can’t hurt us anymore.” Clarke sighed as her fingers loosened their grip on his tee.

“It never should have happened.” He responded, voice low.

Clarke just sighed, nodding her head in agreement.

“Look, you’ve been through a lot Clarke. You should get some rest. We can talk more about my conscience later.” He laughed a little at the last sentence, finding it funny that his morality was a priority of Clarke’s at a time like this.

“Okay.” She sighed after a few moments in silence.

“Okay.” He repeated and nodded, “I’ll just uh, go… then.” 

He moved to get off of the bed, but before he could, there was a hand wrapping around his bicep, holding him back. He turned to look at Clarke again, searching her eyes for an explanation.

“Unless… unless you would like to lie with me? I don’t really want to be alone right now.” Clarke squinted her eyes a little, voice the shyest it has ever been.

Bellamy raised his eyebrows, and the look of surprise across his face made Clarke immediately stumble back on her words.

“Uhm… sorry. That was a stupid question. I think I’m still a little out of it.” She laughed, feeling heat spread over her cheeks.

“It wasn’t stupid.” He stated quickly, shifting forward, “You’re right. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Clarke’s heartbeat sped up as he leaned forward. 

In a matter of seconds Clarke was scooting over to her right to make room for him in the small bed. Bellamy laid back slowly, pulling his feet up as his head settled down. He turned his head slowly once he was settled, looking at her tear soaked face and breathing a deep sigh. He reached out with his right arm, nodding his head up to tell her to lift her neck so he could slide it under her head. With his arm underneath her neck, he gently pulled her towards his body. Clarke let a single tear fall down her pale cheek as she laid her head on his chest, left hand resting on his abs. Bellamy reached up with the hand around her shoulders and started to gently run his fingers through her hair. 

He watched with a warm, heavy heart as she closed her eyes and finally started to rest. 

“Thank you.” She mumbled quietly into his peck as she began to drift, vice humming and exhausted.

Bellamy just smiled and closed his eyes.

“You’re welcome, princess.”


End file.
